Leave The Hurt Behind
by LittleLotte89
Summary: After Christine's death, a pitiful Raoul De Chagny decides to write her a letter and ask for her not hoped forgiveness. Is he finally going to leave the hurt behind?


LEAVE THE HURT BEHIND

Little Lotte, I beg your forgiveness.

Wherever you are, I beg your forgiveness.

I'm not proud of what I did or what I have become through the years. You deserved so much better, my Christine, you have always deserved more that I could give you and for some reason, long time ago, I really thought I could give you all of me, everything you really need.

Such a fool, Little Lotte!

You and I were perfect together, at least that's what everyone at the Opera used to think: actors, dancers, managers... Everyone used to think of us as the most perfect picture of marriage, that flawless couple everyone could look up to. If they only knew, then, how thinks would have gone! Who knows, perhaps we would have behaved differently, perhaps in one way or another we would have been able to avoid the misery, the pain and all the despair I still accompany.

I'm not blaming you for this, Christine: after all, it is all my fault.

I don't know what happened to me, I can't understant how things could have changed that much and turned me into this hollow, mediocre man, unable to keep his promises and comply with his obligations. I know it's too late and you're not here with me anymore, but I really need to ask for your forgiveness once more. Maybe I'm just trying to make me feel better or maybe, as I think, my love for you is still too strong to surrender to misery and to death.

After all we've been through, Little Lotte, I still love you more than anything else in this world.

I know I have no right to say that and it might even sound hypocritical for all those people who - unlike me - has always shown you their love, care and devotion, but I just can't fight this feelings anymore, Christine.

I wish things would have been differen between us, I wish we ere still those young and naive lovers who used to dream about theri future together, in Paris, heedess of all the problems and the obstacoles they might have found on their way. How fool we were, Christine... So courageously fools and brave, we used to belive that nothing would have ever changed the way we were. Oh, I wish I were still that stupid romantic boy that I was... I wish you were here with me, I wish I could hold you in my arms for just one last time and promise you to always take care of you, and be right here beside you, to guide you and to hide you.

I have failed more than once, not being that man I swore I'd be for you long time ago, the careful father and tender husband thay you and Gustave truly deserved. I tried to be worthy and though I had nothing to worry about: after all, it couldn't be so hard for a man like me to make happy someone like you, dear.

I was wrong, tough: you had alwasy been too much for me, too precious and so out of reach.

Your music made your spirit soar and you raised up to touch the sky, while I stood there immobile, staring at you from the ground and wondering if I'd ever come close to you, just a little, enough to be able to brush your fingers.

I wasn't good enough for you, Cristine.

I've never been the man you used to know, the one you thought you could love forever and maybe, after all, that's how things were meant to be ever since the beginning. You had you music, your dreams and you wonderful, hopeful dreams and I kept going under 'till I reached the buttom, that familiar chasm that led me to lose you forever.

You might be ready to forgive me, but I don't think I am; at least, not now.

You know, my dear Christine, I really don't blame you for the choice that you made: I may have always knew that, I knew I could never compete with him and I always knew that I wasn't good enough. His music was his chain and you were stuck on him, you'd always will even though I was the one that you've married.

That's the truth, my Little Lotte: I was the one lying on our bed, by your side, and he was the one living in your mind, singing that ancient melody that – long ago – made you fall in love so easily.

I don't have any doubt about your feelings for me, I know how much you loved me and how long you've ask for your old Raoul to come bak, that young caring boy who made your heart melt, the one who would have done everything for you, the one who would have just died to be sure that nothing bad would ever happen to you. I know all those things, but I've never been so stupid and blind to ignore how much you loved his music and how that music made you feel free, gave your heart wings to fly and let your soul soar up above me.

My heart knew he would always be the one, but I used to think that – maybe – I would just get used to it. After all, who cared if his music was still playing inside your mind, who cared if it was still rushing through your veins?

I won.

I'd be the one by your side, I'd be there for you and I'd be your loving and beloved husband, 'till the end of my life. Over time, however, those certainties were no longer enough for me and so I let my insecurities take over me and change me into this mediocre man, who's now writing a stupid useless letter to a woman who will never be able to read it, because she's dead.

What will become of me now, Christine? What am I going to do without you, without my sweet wife and my beloved son, without someone for whom it is really worth to be a better person?

I lost everything, Christine, everything that really matters and now I feel lost, I feel confused and even more miserable than I ever was before. Once again I ask your forgiveness, because I don't think I can do it myself. I ask you to forget the past and put all the bad memories aside, because I just can't seem to forget all the troubles and pain that I've caused to you.

I beg you, Little Lotte, to forgive me so maybe one day I would be the one who could finally do the same.

And maybe, one day, I will really leave my past behind.


End file.
